Waiting on Life

Answer Honestly: How many times have you thought that you would do something once your body looked a particular way?

Maybe this was waiting to take a vacation when you felt you had the right beach body? Or maybe you refused to get back into dating until you were a particular dress size? Or maybe you wanted to have a perfectly tight and toned stomach before you dared to venture into the world of crop tops? Because yes, they do look incredible when the actress you secretly stalk on social media wears them.

I am not here to tell you that you should do something just because it is trendy or even if you aren’t comfortable doing it. However, I am here to tell you that you need to give yourself permission to love your body and yourself, regardless of the size it is.

Yes, it is more comfortable to be in a bikini on the beach when you don’t feel self-conscious about your appearance, but you CAN STILL GO to the beach. You can still soak your feet in the salty water. You can still feel the warmth of the blistering sun on your skin. You can still make sandcastles with your best friends. You can still get day drunk and forget to re-apply your sunscreen and end up with sun poisoning. Don’t miss out on that beach vacation you deserve because you don’t feel worthy of it.

Yes, it is easier to feel sexier and more desirable by a potential partner when you feel very sexy in your own skin. But that sexiness doesn’t come from others, nor does that come from being a particular dress size or having Shakira’s incredibly toned ass. You have to do the painfully hard work of learning how to love your body for every shape it appears in. You have to say “Fuck the society that taught me i’m not beautiful, I am beautiful.” You have to take owner ship of your own body. Even on days when you don’t feel your best, you have to say to yourself that you are still worthy of loving yourself and being loved by others. Being loved by someone else has no time table, nor does it have a weight requirement. Also, if someone doesn’t love you at any size, then they aren’t the right person for you. It is time to build yourself a body-positive playlist and shake your ass, because it looks AMAZING.

Yes, it is easier to wear a crop top proudly in public when you resemble the lesbian gym owner of a Planet Fitness. However, life is way too fucking short to not wear the crop top. In high school I developed an eating disorder that still affects my relationship with food. After years of work to change my mindset with food, I still have flare ups that affect my ability to care for my body properly. Most of them are caused by my relationship with clothing. In high school I stayed away from anything that would expose me as not having a perfect body. I was terrified of wearing tight fitting shirts, short skirts, and yes, even the first wave of the crop top because I was convinced my body wasn’t ready to wear it. The amount of crunches I did at the gym had not earned my right to wear one yet. I sat on the metaphoric bench of life watching others parade by in their trendy outfits while I hid my body in oversized sweaters. It took years of self discovery before I finally said to myself “fuck it,” I may never have the type of body that is “supposed” to wear crops tops, but that won’t stop me from wearing one. The truth of the matter is that I was terrified that someone would look at me and be uncomfortable seeing my less than perfect stomach. The truth also is, that I don’t owe anyone comfort but myself. If I am making someone uncomfortable with a casual midriff, that is their cross to bear, not mine. If you like the way something looks, wear it. Don’t wait until your body meets some arbitrary standard of beauty before you get to dress the way you want.

Our life is collection of swirling images of people with the perfect life. A Pinterest kaleidoscope of fitness queens, style icons, corporate powerhouses, wanderlusting voyagers, stargazing soulmates, and culinary wizards. There is an impossible standard that has been set for everyone to meet for the sole reason of selling us products to delude us into believing we can achieve it. But bliss does not come in a box. Happiness does not come in jean size. Joy is not achieved in having a body resembling a Kardashian or a Victoria Secret model.

Bliss comes from wearing a crop top of your favorite band to see them play live and not for a moment let the thought of how your stomach looks distract you from singing (poorly) to your favorite song. Happiness comes from being brave enough to tell someone that you love them and allowing them to say they love you back, and believing them when they do. Even on the days you don’t feel deserving of it. Bliss comes from the gyro you eat on the cliffside of Santorini after spending a day in nothing more than a bikini, laughing with your friends and watching the sun come down. Letting the sun shine on your imperfections, knowing it warms you all the same.

Our lives miraculously formed from some cosmic dust and a lot of luck. I certainly have no idea what our purpose on Earth is, especially my own. But I do know that I was lucky enough to have it. I was lucky enough to be given the opportunity to travel, to eat, to dance, to sing, to love, to care for, to wish, to hope, to dream and to do it all over again everyday. I have wasted enough of my precious time waiting for a day that might never come to love myself in all my forms, and I have no desire to waste anymore and I sincerely hope you don’t either.