The Courage in Staying Soft

Two mentalities have become most pervasive in the face of viewing our interpersonal relationships.

The first is Conservationism. This is the idea that when you are harmed, you prevent yourself from being harmed again at all costs. We see this in the people who have felt the weight of disappointment, the anguish of rejection, and the hurt of mistreatment. It is the spiraling list of cliches about building walls and pushing people away that we have come to expect from melodramatic CW television characters. It promotes being quick to cut ties and refusing to forgive those who have wronged you, and offering instead a life of independence from relying on others in anyway imaginable. Notice that I did not choose the word cynicism to describe this. Cynicism suggests that people have always held this stance on their interpersonal relationships, but Conservationism is formed through socialization, by being harmed and figuring out how to heal. It is a taught mentality.

The other persuasion is Abundance, or as most would call it, hopeless romanticism. Remember that both of these extend beyond simply romantic relationships, but the way in which we care for everyone in our lives; friends, family, and romantic partners. But those who practice Abundance are those who refuse to let the world harden the tenderest, softest parts of themselves. They are the ones who refuse to learn their lesson when someone harms them. They willingly put their hand back in the fire for the possibility of the warmth. Often called dreamers or naive, they find themselves willing to risk rejection, hurt, and disappointment for the mere opportunity of the joy, love, and grandeur of life left to be discovered.

These two concepts are promoted heavily on either side by those who practice them. It is as though there exists two universes running parallel to each other. One filled with artificial sunshine and neon rainbows, while the other is plagued with joyless compromise from fear of rejection or humiliation. Both theories are as polarized as our political climate. However, most of us fall somewhere in the middle, struggling between laying our hearts on the line and hiding them away in an iron clad safe where nothing and no one can harm them.

I would consider myself to be a deeply independent person. I have spent most of my life trying to rely on those around me as little as possible. I have been taught that relying on others was a guarantee to be disappointed or rejected. That relying on others and putting myself out there made me weak. In high school I secretly prided myself on never crying over any boy because I never put myself in a position to be harmed. I was strategic and therefore smarter than other people who chose to rely on others for their happiness. I kept an arms distance away from everyone in my life, finding excuses to end friendships or relationships when I sensed any weakness in them or in me around them. I refused to be the girl who ate a pint of Ben and Jerrys while identifying way too strongly with an early Taylor Swift song (little did I know, I would do that regardless).

Now, a twenty-three year old woman, I look back and see myself for the conservationist I was. I believed that there wasn’t any abundance of love that could exist for me. I believed that if I opened myself up, I might find something wonderful, but I was sure to be disappointed or hurt eventually. I was petrified to be soft, to let myself be hurt and recover, and dive with pure optimism back into things. I wanted to keep my cage sealed and my walls so high no one could see me over them. I was a coward and if I regret anything in this life, it is that I lived and loved like that for so long.

Recently, in one of my braver acts of courage, I asked a man out on a date for the first time. I thought he was incredibly interesting, humorous, and kind. The fact that he was handsome and had a young Tom Selleck thing going for him certainly didn’t hurt either. I had thought about it for a while, but finally decided that in five years, I wouldn’t regret asking him out and getting rejected, but I would regret not opening myself up to the possibility of something wonderful.

Spoiler, he said no.

He said no in a way so polite and kind that if anything, it made him more attractive to me. I then went through the phases everyone goes through when they get rejected, hurt, or disappointed.

First, I was immediately humiliated. I had exposed my soft center and got politely pushed away. I wanted to hide under the covers of my bed forever, or sign up for the next spaceship to the moon. We can do that now, right?

Second came the anger, I was infuriated. How could he not like me? He is such an asshole (He’s not)! I’m smart and funny and well traveled and I can cook, I mean what more could he want? I wanted to break things and listen to songs that fueled my rage like Carrie Underwood’s “Before he Cheats.”

Third, after the anger subsided and I remembered he was the same guy both before and after I asked him out, and that he had been gentle and kind in his rejection, I hit the stage of Why. The stage of Why is the worst and often the hardest to overcome. You ask yourself the questions that always lingers under the surface of your self-confidence. Was I not pretty enough? Short enough? Smart enough? Kind enough? Did he think my hobbies were lame or I lacked depth or listened to bad music? I thought through all the possibilities. This stage is often the most difficult because you seldom get the answers you want. I finally reasoned with myself that there were many reasons that didn’t matter or were completely out of my control. Maybe he didn’t want to date anyone right now. Or he already was dating someone else. Maybe we are in the middle of a global pandemic and he just doesn’t want to hangout with a random woman? Perfectly reasonable.

The fourth stage is the disappointment that it just didn’t work out. It’s the lonely point. It is the part you just have to wallow in for a while before you can get past it. It is listening to songs that make you want to cry because you just need the catharsis. It is the stage that just takes time.

The fifth and final stage is the stage that separates the Conservationists from the Abundances. A Conservationists would further prop up their walls and learn to never ask out a guy you barely know, even if he has a great mustache. An Abundacist (Yeah, I know it is not a real word, but roll with me for a minute) would acknowledge the pain they feel, recognize that asking out another guy in the future could bring them this same feeling and still do it again.

I certainly didn’t enjoy the rejection, but I don’t regret asking him out for a moment. In a brief moment of bravery I was willing to be open and honest, to let someone see the squishy side of me that has seen every romantic comedy ever produced. I was courageous enough to chance temporary pain for a lifetime of joy (It would have been one sandwich, but again, roll with me on this one will yah?). In ten years, I won’t reject not asking him out, but I would have regretted not being brave enough to try.

Take this anecdote as a small note in my theory on our relationships. Whether it is a guy you are interested in, a friend, or a family member, don’t be scared to open yourself up to them, rely on them, and be willing to do it all over again, even if you fear future disappointment. I am not saying to throw caution entirely to the wind and let yourself by harmed and harmed by the same individual, but don’t let it stop you from finding love elsewhere. Find it in yourself to find the abundance of love you can both give and receive. Find it in yourself to stay soft when your gut screams to become hardened. Be courageous and tenacious in how you love and live, and I firmly believe you will be rewarded for it.

I’ll leave you with a quote that reminds me of a close friend, who has been one of my greatest teachers in learning to love with more abundance. “No one can be independent of other people completely, so why not give up the attempt, she thought, go running in the other direction, depend on people for everything, allow them to depend on you, why not.”